Back when I was in college, I remember the giant billboards for Jolt Cola. It was the start of the crazy drinks, drinks with all kind of strange things in them promising all kinds of results. Jolt was simple. All the sugar and twice the caffeine. Over time things have evolved and Red Bull became the drink of the moment. I’m still not sure what they mean by Red Bull “gives you wings”. I’m getting old. I understand simple things like all the sugar, twice the caffeine.

Now it seems drinks that artificially jack you up are getting stale and the new kid on the block is a drink that relaxes you. They’re calling it Drank. I have to lay on you some choice quotes from their CEO Peter Bianchi.

“We wanted to give the people on the go something to drink during the day which would help them relax, calm down, and not have to keep an old bottle of gin in their drawer,”

What century is this guy living in? Gin in the drawer? Oh, but there’s more. Quoting directly from the Time article now.

The name Drank has roots in Houston’s hip-hop scene; “purple drank” is a slang term for an illegal concoction that mixes codeine syrup with soft drinks or alcohol.

Nice inspiration Mr. Bianchi. You even colored the can purple. But of course, no relation to the illegal drink. Mr. Bianchi adds.

“The word drank is celebratory slang,” he says. “The name of my product is hip and fun to say: ‘I’m going to get my drank on,’ ” Bianchi says, sounding quite un-hip

I think if any kid in the streets ever said I’m going to get my Drank on, they’d be shot. God help us all. Finally

“We wanted something fun, something that was a healthy alternative to people for using drugs and alcohol,”

Drop the crack pipe kids and grab yourself some Drank. So you see they’re doing us all a public service. If I sound a bit extra sarcastic and annoyed, I am. I think all these kinds of drinks are terrible for you. No long term studies have been done and I think eventually we will see some real ill effects. Artificially pumping yourself up and down is just not healthy under any circumstance. I addition I have a personal gripe. My brother died from a heart attack when he was only 43. When we cleaned out his place we found lots of energy drinks. We think that he was obviously not feeling well, probably overly tired. Rather than go to a doctor or call someone, he tried to gain back his energy with these drinks. I’m not saying energy drinks gave him a heart attack but I am saying that these drinks tell people if they are feeling low they can get their wings with a little Red Bull. When you’re body is giving you a sign like your overly tired or not generally feeling well, you don’t need an energy drink. You don’t need ginseng. Call a fucking doctor for Gods sake.